


I Fell Apart (But Got Back Up Again)

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Battle of Five Armies, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 22:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3185549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Sort of) vignettes detailing Bilbo's emotions post-BoFA.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Fell Apart (But Got Back Up Again)

**Author's Note:**

> Heed the tags? And um. If you're really triggered by stuff like grief and mourning, don't read. I'm not too sure how well I've managed to write this, it might be utter crap, but it's mostly based off of firsthand experience.

Everything feels distant. And cold, so, so cold. 

Somewhere in the very back of his mind he registers that his face is blank with shock, eyes wide, and that he's shaking with tremors. Nothing feels real anymore. Bilbo knows his friends are around him, leading him away, sitting him down and trying to coax him to eat, but he just sits there and stares into space. 

He relives those last moments with Thorin over and over again. 

Watching him fall, racing towards him, holding him as best Bilbo could, watching his eyes find Bilbo's, watching him struggle to speak. Watching him speak his last words for only him to hear, watching him say goodbye through his own blood. 

Seeing his eyes glaze over, feeling his body go limp. 

Suddenly he finds himself sobbing, unable to stop, gasping for breath. And someone is there, next to Bilbo, speaking to him, trying to soothe him, but this hurt is a gaping wound in his heart, and it cannot be tamed.  
It consumes everything, sucks all the light from the world, removes all emotion except that of all encompassing pain and grief. 

\--- 

Bilbo cries every night on the journey home, cries every time he thinks himself alone until one day he realises he need not be ashamed of showing these tears.

These are tears of grief, of having lost the person he loved most dearly, and he refuses to hide them any longer. He is not ashamed to show all of Middle Earth that he loved and lost. 

So sometimes Bilbo remembers and he cries in public, but he holds his head up high and straightens his back, and simply pulls out his handkerchief. 

\---

Bilbo cannot think his name, cannot speak it. He returns to the Shire in shambles, a broken Hobbit, and cannot tell anyone of what happened to make him so. 

All he wants to do is tell others, shout it out to the world, but he cannot for the lump in his throat, the tremors that take over his body.

In time he learns to cope by telling stories of his unexpected journey. Maybe one day he thinks he'll be able to finish it. 

\---

He takes Frodo under his wing, understanding his loss better than anyone in the Shire can. 

He lets the lad take his time, gives him the space he needs, but makes sure he eats, bathes, and takes care of himself. 

Bilbo is still learning to cope with the hole in his own chest, but Frodo gives him purpose. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. 

He hopes that he will be able to give Frodo a reason, too. 

\---

A knocking on their door at suppertime pulls Bilbo from his seat at the table. 

Frodo has improved greatly since he arrived at Bag End, finding cheer and joy in life again. He's made friends: his cousins Meriadoc and Peregrin, and their neighbour Samwise. 

Bilbo still struggles and sometimes he spends a day all alone, in his bed, but for the most part he feels he is doing rather well. 

He pads into the hall, telling a curious Frodo to eat his supper with a smile. 

The smile falls off his face when he sees his Dwarf standing on the other side. He can feel himself start to shake again, and Thorin -- _Thorin_ , he's alive, oh Eru -- says his name questioningly and reaches out. 

Bilbo grabs onto him and makes a decision to never let go for all of his days, eyes frantically tracing his face and filling with tears. He doesn't think he'll ever be done looking at Thorin. 

Thorin merely reads the emotion twisting his face and pulls him close for the second time, and Bilbo outright begins to cry at the warmth and life he feels in the embrace. 

"Ssh, ssh, it's okay." Thorin whispers as he rubs his back and rocks them gently where they stand. 

"It's okay, I'm here now, Bilbo," and Bilbo may never stop breathing him in, burying his face in Thorin's neck, making sure he's actually there, alive, but he's okay with that.

\---

There's a pattering of unsteady little feet on the stone, ages later, and Thorin looks up, at Frodo, but doesn't let go. 

Frodo merely takes in the scene in the open doorway, and steps close to hug Bilbo as well; and Bilbo, overcome with joy and love and reunion, shifts to pick him up and pull him into the hug proper, never once leaving Thorin's arms. 

Bilbo knows they have much to discuss, as he's sure Thorin knows as well, but for now... For now, he is surrounded in the warm embraces of the people he loves most, and he is content.

**Author's Note:**

> They say write what you know, yeah? Ahahaha. Ha. Ah.
> 
> I might come back and fill this out more later? I dunno. I'm pretty okay with it as is. Title from Alibi by 30 Seconds to Mars. 
> 
> Feedback and constructive criticism would be most appreciated. @0@


End file.
